chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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