I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
