I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
