I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
