While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
