I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
