You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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