i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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