Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
