I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
