u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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