Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
