I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
