Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
