umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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