I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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