I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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