The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
