I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
a search helicopter?!
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
