You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
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