I swear she didn't look like that last week.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
