Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
