Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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