It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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