I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
