Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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