Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Randomize
