I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
