I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
