it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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