oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
