i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
