My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
