So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
