I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
