Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
