I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
