I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
