how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
