We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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