Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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