i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
