Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
