He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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