So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
