When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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