My liver just broke up with me...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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