At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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