Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
