you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
