Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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