so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Apparently you make a good broom.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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