why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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